New financial definitions
Installing husband
jokes
New financial definitions
http://www.businesspundit.com/new-financial-definitions/
New Financial Definitions
CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO– Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
I couldn’t resist adding a couple of my own:
BOND — Paid by CEOs to secure their place at a trial.
401K — The number of years it will take taxpayers to pay off the Bailout Plan.
BUY AND HOLD — Antiquated investment philosophy, recently replaced by BUY AND FOLD.
CFO– Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
I couldn’t resist adding a couple of my own:
BOND — Paid by CEOs to secure their place at a trial.
401K — The number of years it will take taxpayers to pay off the Bailout Plan.
BUY AND HOLD — Antiquated investment philosophy, recently replaced by BUY AND FOLD.
Article printed from Business Pundit: http://www.businesspundit.com
Installing Husband
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I! noticed
a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance,particularly in
the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly
underBoyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and SOCCER 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3! to fix these
problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
______________________________
Reply
DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to
downloadTears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can causeHusband
1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law
1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize
control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend
5.0program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
IT SUPPORT DESK
Jokes
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
**************************************************
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALLyour friends!"
**************************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," Send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
**************************************************
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It is:
"Without Information Fighting Every time"
Wife replies, "No, it means: "With Idiot For Ever" !"*
**************************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
**************************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
**************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident andconfidential ?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied
